Dear California,
Concerning your current financial state I thought I might offer a few helpful words of advice. Please, in the future consider NOT hiring an actor as your head of state. I know you all thought it was cute when you voted him in. You all thought “I loved him in 'Kindergarten Cop,' what's the worst that can happen?” Well, I just want you to remember while you attempt to trade your I.O.U.'s for a sack of potatoes that just because you all think someone is “cool” doesn't mean they should be deciding your policy. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Marquis Des Moines
P.S. If you consider drinking bleach anytime soon, you better make sure that you really want to die. Poison control probably won't be able to help you.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Before it all comes to an end...
**For those of you unaware, the Church of the Subgenius (of who the Marquis Des Moines is a proud member) believes that on July 5 at 7am the world will come to an end. They have faithfully predicted the end of the world on this date for over the past 10 years.**
I'd just like to say a few things.
First of all, to those of you who paid your $30. Congrats. I hope you don't mind, but I plan on smoking during the flight.
To all of the people who didn't quite get me, I am sorry. But if I made myself any easier to get, then I'd be as boring as you. Thus,I'd be unable to travel the stars eternally in orgiastic bliss. I guess you can see why I made the decisions I did. Don't take it personally when space napalm falls on your driveway.
Everyone I actively disliked, you might be surprised when at 7:05 am you see me hovering over you in an alien robot suit made of your fears, and fueled by pain. Don't worry. Once we get past the part where I shove needles into every pore on your body things will start to get better. I'm sure I'll get bored eventually.
Oh, the precious kooks, racists, and dolts I've met. How does it feel to know that you were a part of the conspiracy you claimed to fight your entire life? I just want you to know as you eternally weep and your tears act as sprinkler systems on the frop fields that we did have some good times together. While I receive infinite joy in the hands of space goddesses, I will occasionally look back and recall with fondness how you continually reminded me of my purpose on this mudball: to fearlessly call a kook a kook (because it takes one to know one) and remind you, and those around you, of how just batshit crazy you are. Thus hopefully keeping you from getting into too much trouble (such as becoming governor and/or president).
Finally, to those of you out there who I actually like, I give you this, when the world ends tomorrow at 7am you will not face the alien wrath. Instead I will have your brain put into a jar hooked into a computer which will project an exact simulation of the world as it would've taken place past July 5th, if the world had survived. You will get full freedom of choice to live your life as you want, and perhaps make your world better than the world you just left. Perhaps you won't. Either way, Happy X-day. See you in a new world tomorrow!
I'd just like to say a few things.
First of all, to those of you who paid your $30. Congrats. I hope you don't mind, but I plan on smoking during the flight.
To all of the people who didn't quite get me, I am sorry. But if I made myself any easier to get, then I'd be as boring as you. Thus,I'd be unable to travel the stars eternally in orgiastic bliss. I guess you can see why I made the decisions I did. Don't take it personally when space napalm falls on your driveway.
Everyone I actively disliked, you might be surprised when at 7:05 am you see me hovering over you in an alien robot suit made of your fears, and fueled by pain. Don't worry. Once we get past the part where I shove needles into every pore on your body things will start to get better. I'm sure I'll get bored eventually.
Oh, the precious kooks, racists, and dolts I've met. How does it feel to know that you were a part of the conspiracy you claimed to fight your entire life? I just want you to know as you eternally weep and your tears act as sprinkler systems on the frop fields that we did have some good times together. While I receive infinite joy in the hands of space goddesses, I will occasionally look back and recall with fondness how you continually reminded me of my purpose on this mudball: to fearlessly call a kook a kook (because it takes one to know one) and remind you, and those around you, of how just batshit crazy you are. Thus hopefully keeping you from getting into too much trouble (such as becoming governor and/or president).
Finally, to those of you out there who I actually like, I give you this, when the world ends tomorrow at 7am you will not face the alien wrath. Instead I will have your brain put into a jar hooked into a computer which will project an exact simulation of the world as it would've taken place past July 5th, if the world had survived. You will get full freedom of choice to live your life as you want, and perhaps make your world better than the world you just left. Perhaps you won't. Either way, Happy X-day. See you in a new world tomorrow!
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