Dear California,
Concerning your current financial state I thought I might offer a few helpful words of advice. Please, in the future consider NOT hiring an actor as your head of state. I know you all thought it was cute when you voted him in. You all thought “I loved him in 'Kindergarten Cop,' what's the worst that can happen?” Well, I just want you to remember while you attempt to trade your I.O.U.'s for a sack of potatoes that just because you all think someone is “cool” doesn't mean they should be deciding your policy. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Marquis Des Moines
P.S. If you consider drinking bleach anytime soon, you better make sure that you really want to die. Poison control probably won't be able to help you.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Before it all comes to an end...
**For those of you unaware, the Church of the Subgenius (of who the Marquis Des Moines is a proud member) believes that on July 5 at 7am the world will come to an end. They have faithfully predicted the end of the world on this date for over the past 10 years.**
I'd just like to say a few things.
First of all, to those of you who paid your $30. Congrats. I hope you don't mind, but I plan on smoking during the flight.
To all of the people who didn't quite get me, I am sorry. But if I made myself any easier to get, then I'd be as boring as you. Thus,I'd be unable to travel the stars eternally in orgiastic bliss. I guess you can see why I made the decisions I did. Don't take it personally when space napalm falls on your driveway.
Everyone I actively disliked, you might be surprised when at 7:05 am you see me hovering over you in an alien robot suit made of your fears, and fueled by pain. Don't worry. Once we get past the part where I shove needles into every pore on your body things will start to get better. I'm sure I'll get bored eventually.
Oh, the precious kooks, racists, and dolts I've met. How does it feel to know that you were a part of the conspiracy you claimed to fight your entire life? I just want you to know as you eternally weep and your tears act as sprinkler systems on the frop fields that we did have some good times together. While I receive infinite joy in the hands of space goddesses, I will occasionally look back and recall with fondness how you continually reminded me of my purpose on this mudball: to fearlessly call a kook a kook (because it takes one to know one) and remind you, and those around you, of how just batshit crazy you are. Thus hopefully keeping you from getting into too much trouble (such as becoming governor and/or president).
Finally, to those of you out there who I actually like, I give you this, when the world ends tomorrow at 7am you will not face the alien wrath. Instead I will have your brain put into a jar hooked into a computer which will project an exact simulation of the world as it would've taken place past July 5th, if the world had survived. You will get full freedom of choice to live your life as you want, and perhaps make your world better than the world you just left. Perhaps you won't. Either way, Happy X-day. See you in a new world tomorrow!
I'd just like to say a few things.
First of all, to those of you who paid your $30. Congrats. I hope you don't mind, but I plan on smoking during the flight.
To all of the people who didn't quite get me, I am sorry. But if I made myself any easier to get, then I'd be as boring as you. Thus,I'd be unable to travel the stars eternally in orgiastic bliss. I guess you can see why I made the decisions I did. Don't take it personally when space napalm falls on your driveway.
Everyone I actively disliked, you might be surprised when at 7:05 am you see me hovering over you in an alien robot suit made of your fears, and fueled by pain. Don't worry. Once we get past the part where I shove needles into every pore on your body things will start to get better. I'm sure I'll get bored eventually.
Oh, the precious kooks, racists, and dolts I've met. How does it feel to know that you were a part of the conspiracy you claimed to fight your entire life? I just want you to know as you eternally weep and your tears act as sprinkler systems on the frop fields that we did have some good times together. While I receive infinite joy in the hands of space goddesses, I will occasionally look back and recall with fondness how you continually reminded me of my purpose on this mudball: to fearlessly call a kook a kook (because it takes one to know one) and remind you, and those around you, of how just batshit crazy you are. Thus hopefully keeping you from getting into too much trouble (such as becoming governor and/or president).
Finally, to those of you out there who I actually like, I give you this, when the world ends tomorrow at 7am you will not face the alien wrath. Instead I will have your brain put into a jar hooked into a computer which will project an exact simulation of the world as it would've taken place past July 5th, if the world had survived. You will get full freedom of choice to live your life as you want, and perhaps make your world better than the world you just left. Perhaps you won't. Either way, Happy X-day. See you in a new world tomorrow!
Monday, June 01, 2009
My Conspiracy Theory
I am the New World Order.
G.W. Bush got elected because Rehnquist owed me $25.
The Elders of Zion weren't all that old until they crashed at my place for a week.
Elite members of the Hashishin feed my cat while I'm on vacation.
Alex Jones has nightmares about me.
“Zeitgeist” might as well have been entitled “What I did during my Summer vacation.”
I'm the reason you didn't get that promotion, and why everything costs so much.
I go drinking with Adam Weishaupt and smoke up with Aleister Crowley.
I write high level Illuminati secrets on bathroom stalls.
The Secret Muslims and I get together for coffee every Sunday.
The Eye in the pyramid is there just so I can check out your ass.
David Icke only started believing in lizard people after seeing me hungover.
The Merovingian Kings send me Christmas cards.
If things are going wrong with your life, I encourage you to blame me.
Someone needs to take responsibility for you.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Screed
A word that is shunned from in polite liberal society it is “hate.” To “hate” is to do what the OTHER guys do. If you “hate” then you might as well vote for Jeb Bush. You can disagree, “agree to disagree,” “have issue with,” “find conflicting data” or even in extreme circumstances “disregard.” Under no circumstances however can you HATE. If you hate then you might say something stupid, and nobody ever says anything stupid when discussing matters of importance.
Perhaps though, we should consider that hate is a emotion many primates feel and that it might be okay for us to feel it as well. This doesn’t make us Nazis or racists, nor does it mean that we want those we disagree with rounded up in camps. Perhaps to hate just means that we passionately disagree with a position held by another. If this idea disturbs you, consider it a thought experiment (or go google “atrocities” and feel better because you feel so bad for the
victims). Just allow your "hate"to run wild a free while you continue to read…
Perhaps (and just perhaps) we SHOULD be pissed off that society continues to shovel shit down our throats. One of the reasons it keeps happening is because we have weak-kneed liberals who keep telling us that we must tolerate this. These are the folks that half-heartedly argue for a crucifix submerged in urine, but they "don't really like it." Their "revolution" consists of donating to NPR every spring. And even worse, their ranks probably include you and me!
The tolerant "nice guy" is perhaps even more destructive to their species than the raging reactionary. It's the tolerant "nice guys" who keep so many of the rational thinking people in a state of total uselessness. They don't fight, don't swear, and don't do the totally irrational idiocy that one must engage in to really communicate with the common man (even more so with the uncommon man).
Well, you know what? I'm a tolerant individual. I'm willing to let these folks have their little "more ethically conscious than thou" sense of self-satisfaction. I'll fully allow them to revel in the
injustice of the atrocities that the world's fanatics will rain upon them. They can look at each other with a quiet, reserved disdain while governments behave like wild beasts, snapping at anything that gets close to their territory. Let them find peace that while the planet's being engulfed in one massive political-industrial clusterfuck. At least people aren’t allowed to smoke in bars anymore.
*ahem* Sorry, it’s just a thought experiment.
Both liberals and conservatives consistently try to take the intellectual and moral high ground (they seem to forget that being on the high ground just makes you an easier target). Yes, I know you are standing up for logic, reason and all that nice stuff (a little more of it everywhere else wouldn't hurt) but some of us have watched humanity long enough to know that logic and reasoning have lead to some pretty irrational actions. It never seems to get across to the
so-called intelligencia that the vast majority of the world is made up people who are driven by less "elevated" thinking.
Writing academic papers explaining how we're destroying the world is about as useful to the man on the street as a laser light show is to Helen Keller. But ranting, over-the-top dogmatism, and a bit of creativity can sway the masses to do anything. That's why you need people like me to overstate everyday annoyances. You need to tell people that they are being consistently hounded by an all-powerful, omnipresent Conspiracy of DEATH before they'll even
begin to think "You know, maybe my congressman really doesn't care about me." Of course it's not necessary for those ranting to believe even a single word of what they are saying. As a matter of fact it's even better of they don't believe it; atheists have always made the
best popes. In previous ages this type of behavior was known as “business as usual” (check out any modern book about the private lives of kings and clergy if you doubt this) but today this behavior is often classified as satire.
In conclusion I don't have much respect for logical thinking and other such rigmarole. History has proven again and again that logical people are willing to stand aside wagging their fingers with disdain while kooks of all sorts get away with mass genocide. The only thing that will keep humans from destroying the planet is if the RIGHT kooks can grab the reigns and steer the world into a less fucked situation. And Gawd says WE are the right kooks! So give me your brain and let see if we can get it properly broken.
Love,
MDM
Perhaps though, we should consider that hate is a emotion many primates feel and that it might be okay for us to feel it as well. This doesn’t make us Nazis or racists, nor does it mean that we want those we disagree with rounded up in camps. Perhaps to hate just means that we passionately disagree with a position held by another. If this idea disturbs you, consider it a thought experiment (or go google “atrocities” and feel better because you feel so bad for the
victims). Just allow your "hate"to run wild a free while you continue to read…
Perhaps (and just perhaps) we SHOULD be pissed off that society continues to shovel shit down our throats. One of the reasons it keeps happening is because we have weak-kneed liberals who keep telling us that we must tolerate this. These are the folks that half-heartedly argue for a crucifix submerged in urine, but they "don't really like it." Their "revolution" consists of donating to NPR every spring. And even worse, their ranks probably include you and me!
The tolerant "nice guy" is perhaps even more destructive to their species than the raging reactionary. It's the tolerant "nice guys" who keep so many of the rational thinking people in a state of total uselessness. They don't fight, don't swear, and don't do the totally irrational idiocy that one must engage in to really communicate with the common man (even more so with the uncommon man).
Well, you know what? I'm a tolerant individual. I'm willing to let these folks have their little "more ethically conscious than thou" sense of self-satisfaction. I'll fully allow them to revel in the
injustice of the atrocities that the world's fanatics will rain upon them. They can look at each other with a quiet, reserved disdain while governments behave like wild beasts, snapping at anything that gets close to their territory. Let them find peace that while the planet's being engulfed in one massive political-industrial clusterfuck. At least people aren’t allowed to smoke in bars anymore.
*ahem* Sorry, it’s just a thought experiment.
Both liberals and conservatives consistently try to take the intellectual and moral high ground (they seem to forget that being on the high ground just makes you an easier target). Yes, I know you are standing up for logic, reason and all that nice stuff (a little more of it everywhere else wouldn't hurt) but some of us have watched humanity long enough to know that logic and reasoning have lead to some pretty irrational actions. It never seems to get across to the
so-called intelligencia that the vast majority of the world is made up people who are driven by less "elevated" thinking.
Writing academic papers explaining how we're destroying the world is about as useful to the man on the street as a laser light show is to Helen Keller. But ranting, over-the-top dogmatism, and a bit of creativity can sway the masses to do anything. That's why you need people like me to overstate everyday annoyances. You need to tell people that they are being consistently hounded by an all-powerful, omnipresent Conspiracy of DEATH before they'll even
begin to think "You know, maybe my congressman really doesn't care about me." Of course it's not necessary for those ranting to believe even a single word of what they are saying. As a matter of fact it's even better of they don't believe it; atheists have always made the
best popes. In previous ages this type of behavior was known as “business as usual” (check out any modern book about the private lives of kings and clergy if you doubt this) but today this behavior is often classified as satire.
In conclusion I don't have much respect for logical thinking and other such rigmarole. History has proven again and again that logical people are willing to stand aside wagging their fingers with disdain while kooks of all sorts get away with mass genocide. The only thing that will keep humans from destroying the planet is if the RIGHT kooks can grab the reigns and steer the world into a less fucked situation. And Gawd says WE are the right kooks! So give me your brain and let see if we can get it properly broken.
Love,
MDM
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